Artist’s Statement: Dark/Light

Link to playlist

This was the piece that gave birth to Eyes and Ears Artistry. At the time, I was hit by a difficult double loss in my life. One of my best friends in high school had recently moved to L.A. and as we were group messaging to finalize plans, she told us that her mom had just passed away. As a teen without a mom, her mom was such a supportive person for me not only because she gave me a job and was my boss, but because she never failed to show care and love and even told me she considered me “one of her own”. Less than two weeks after losing Marissa, I got news that my friend AJ had also passed. I had been texting AJ while he was in the hospital, and had no reason to believe this was anything more than his usual battle with liver disease. These back-to-back losses put me into a catatonic depression where I could do little more than exist as waves of darkness and insomnia washed over me. 

This piece is dedicated to Marissa Cook and AJ Randall. They meant more to me than I can put into words. I felt so empty and lost, until I started hearing AJ’s voice in my head telling me to CREATE. He wouldn’t want me to be stuck like this forever, and he would have loved to discuss every detail of these playlists the same way we debated “the best songs of all time” in our last conversation together. As I brainstormed the colors of this piece, I realized that only one color palette made sense: the nonbinary colors. Black: the absence of gender, Yellow: genders outside of the binary, Purple: genders that combine elements of the binary, White: the multiplicity of genders together in a spectrum (similar to white light being made up of the entire color spectrum). As a trans nonbinary person, there are reminders everywhere in society that reinforce and legitimize the gender binary and try to keep gender variant identities in the dark, but just as light means little without darkness as a contrast, binary gender means little without gender non-conforming identities as contrast.

 So, we start gently with the first light of day: break of dawn, as ushered in by the ethereal percussion of Santana. We are reminded of our bleary-eyed weariness with “Stress Dreams”; a song that lilts along about work sucking the energy and soul from you, lather, rinse, repeat. This song reminded me of working long days as a teacher, while also really hitting the nail on the head for my depression at the time. I wanted to include the lightness and darkness of the mind, and my mind instantly started playing “Mr. Crowley”. A practitioner of the dark arts, was he enlightened or insane? (And yes, the bat surrounded by light is a nod to Ozzy). After the darkness of Aleister Crowley, I wanted something uplifting and inspiring that would shed some auditory light on the listener. Thy Catafalque are a Hungarian avant-garde metal band that painted the perfect mood of uplifting yet haunted on their track “Köszöntsd a hajnalt”. 

“Snow-Sleep” is the most grief-heavy song, as it is about losing someone to the chill of winter and blaming yourself for their accidental death. The first time I heard this song, I was absolutely transfixed by the juxtapositions of soft, clear, supple vocals with the occasional sixteenth note blast from the drums. This song builds to an intensity I have never experienced as the growls come in, and then seamlessly blends in the  dreamy counterpoint vocals, only to utterly abandon the listener and leave you with “Where have you gone” hanging in the air. Just as you wipe away the tears, Allison Russel holds you and comforts you into nightfall. Journeying as a midnight rider takes us to a spot under the stars, compelling us to dance a “Midnight Tango”. 

Next, I had to include the classic literary juxtaposition of “Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde”, as artfully explored by Ezra Furman. The harsh, low sax notes along with the soft, floating figures in the guitar and barely-there jingle bells as well as her voice really highlight struggling with our own inner darkness and light. Next, the classic fall-from-grace of Lucifer,  bemoaned by King Woman. I love the trance-like quality of this song, and felt that it also helped paint the feels of depression and grief. Once the glow of Lucifer, the Morning Star has faded, we are left in the shadows with The Budos Band taking us through cave-like soundscapes. From the “Veil of Shadows”, we find ourselves in the darkest time of day, “Black Night” where James Booker fully drenches us in the blues. After the darkest night, comes the rising of the sun again. “Golden” bounces along to remind us that this too shall pass and that while places can be dark and lonely, there’s a golden shore out there in the end where we can stroll together again.