Joan/Jon

Artist’s Statement: Joan/Jon

Link to playlist

This piece is the first in my series of “Trans Saints”; 2023 has been a dark, bleak, scary time for trans/nonbinary folx, and this series aims to combat hate with truth, love, and inspiration. In 2020, I broke up with a toxic partner and began a year of dating myself. What would it feel like to be celebrated and treasured? How could I honor my true self rather than the person I was seen as for the last few years? I began this journey by researching all I could about decolonizing my mind, trans/nonbinary history,  feminism, and intersectionality to arm myself with knowledge. One of the books that impacted me greatly was “Transgender Warriors” by Leslie Feinberg; reading about Joan of Arc’s real history was the first time I actually saw myself represented in history. 

From the earliest age I can remember, I have been vehemently uncomfortable in women’s clothing. I had massive meltdowns every time my parents made me wear a dress (which was typically for Catholic mass), and most pictures of me ages 1-5 show me in only a diaper/underwear because I hated the way the hand-me-down clothing from my older sister felt on my skin. My parents soon learned it was easier to buy me clothing I felt good in rather than to start an anxiety attack sobbing fest by trying to get me to wear a dress. When I learned that Joan of Arc was put to death for refusing to wear women’s clothing, I immediately saw myself in Joan; in fact, I cut off all my hair around the same age Joan did when going off to battle. So, in sticking to the theme of honoring my true self, I came up with the idea of honoring trans heroes before me for their true selves. We have always existed, and will always exist.

Joan’s soundtrack is one of feminine masculinity, faith/crisis of faith, and self/sovereignty. Given Joan’s status as a patron saint, I wanted to begin the playlist with a song of spirit. “Unbound” by Darkher is the perfect haunting song of the spirit outweighing/escaping the mortal body. I have wondered countless times “What was going through Joan’s head when being led to the pyre?”. I believe this song offers a possible answer to that question. Joan stood firmly in the belief that God commanded Joan to lead France to victory/freedom, as well as that men’s clothing/the clothing of battle was rightfully Joan’s to wear. While I myself no longer believe in a singular  God, I wanted to respect Joan’s beliefs/spirituality and tell her story with that narrative in mind; cue “God Lifts Up the Lowly” by Ezra Furman. This song paints the picture of struggling, street-life queerness, and the unlikely angels therein. The song ends on a Hebrew prayer, which Ezra has described as a way of bringing together her spiritual practices (the daily prayer in the song) with the similar daily recitations/rehearsals of her secular music. She has also spoken at length about how religion supports queer identities, in that the Torah is filled with people fighting oppression. 

In a similar vein, “Prophet” by King Princess speaks to the way that Joan’s image/story have been twisted to fit into narratives that benefit the oppressors. Why is Joan still upheld as a prophet/hero by the same groups that labeled Joan a “blasphemer” and executed Joan? Well, killing Joan made it easier for others to profit off of Joan’s image and twist Joan’s narrative/prophecies into something other than radical gender nonconformity. The next song was one of the first that came to mind for Joan’s soundtrack: “Show Me How to Live” originally by Audioslave, covered by Brass Against. These lyrics speak for themselves, and again attempt to paint the picture of what Joan was thinking/feeling as they were put to death by the church that worshiped the God they fought for. 

“Books and Hooks and Movements” by The Spook School is what I picture Joan’s spirit saying, could we communicate today. All the condemnation after returning from victorious battle sent Joan straight to execution so that once dealt with, people could return to celebrating/liking Joan for what they did while ignoring who they were. “Growing Pains” by Freddie Lewis is a tender, gut-wrenching song of trans-masculine dysphoria/euphoria. These lyrics serve as solidarity, empathy, and hope from within the trans/nonbinary community to all the other lost souls who have felt trapped by their body/gender norms. Adding to the “knowing ourselves” theme, comes “High Sierra” by Linda Ronstadt, Dolly Parton, and Emmylou Harris. This song is such a powerful testament to self-awareness and the people out there who will try to take that away from you unless you realize they are not who you thought they were.

“I Wanna Be a Boy” by Addison Grace serves as another trans-masculine narrative of longing. I think the concept of longing is something often equated with teenage stories, and what could be more fitting to represent a person who never made it past their teens. The next song, “Identifier” by Wilderun, is an intricately woven mix of softness and aggression, internal vs external narratives. “Still I go forth” is a lyric that honors Joan’s insistence to never bend to the gender conformity the church ordered; “all this correlation of the abstract will shine all the brighter once we can pull it back” speaks to the abstract nature of gender and how, if we break down gender/gender norms, we can allow the light of gender nonconforming identities to shine/thrive. Because Joan’s story is one that many of us have learned a different version of, I felt the song that could capture that best was imbi’s cover of “Mannish Boy”, which puts Muddy Waters’ classic into a trans-masculine lens. This is another instance where I think the lyrics speak best for themselves. 

Lady Wray has been a hugely inspirational musician to me these past two years; “they who would crucify me for being a believer, sometimes I see what they see, see they don’t believe” is one of the lyrics that first screamed “JOAN” to me. Joan knew and never backed down from what they believed. The trans experience is something that can be difficult to define, because it varies widely from one person to the next. On “Will My Alters Go To Heaven” by Left at London, I wanted to highlight the duality/pluralism that some trans folx feel with their identity/experience. The songwriter herself is both trans and diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, so her use of “alters” draws on the alter identities she embodies during dissociation, as well as her beliefs that we as humans have the capacity to be more than one singular thing/identity/expression/presentation etc. Some trans folx see their life before transitioning as a “past life”of sorts, an “alter ego” or sorts, or a fragment of what they now feel is their full identity after transitioning, and I found this song to be a gorgeous amalgamation of all the aforementioned. 

As a metalhead/punk, sometimes you gotta be right on the nose, and “Death to the Holy” by Zeal & Ardor is exactly that. “Rapture” by ANOHNI  is meant to represent the surrealness of war/watching your comrades fall in battle/trying to justify death and killing for God/questioning if  you might have things wrong/still wishing the best for those you leave behind. To truly illuminate Joan as a Trans Saint, I wanted the playlist to end on a luminescent, angelic, saint-like note. The soundscapes that Solange creates in her music came to me, and then I realized that “I’m a Witness” was the perfect way to begin the imagery of Joan shrouded in light, ascending (i.e. “takin’ on the, takin’ on the light”). Finally, we are left with the choir singing us out. I can think of no better song than “Angel of Sovereignty” by Liturgy to represent Joan; a trans-fronted band, singing a hymn of trans/nonbinary spirituality.  We are often admonished for taking sovereignty/autonomy over our bodies, as trans/nonbinary people; thank you, Joan for being our angel.